To Name a Few

The Fine Art of Naming Animals

 

This morning I found the precocious gray/white kitten mewing at the bottom a box of random stuff in my garage. There are many such boxes in my garage, unfortunately, and I wasn’t about to try to kitten-proof them all. I plucked him out and plopped him back on the warm pile of breathing fur in the corner.

The incident made me realize something though, for as I plucked the journeyman kitten from the box, I found myself tongue-tied and stumbling for words. Why? Because he had no name. And a name is a very important thing on such an occasion. Without one, you’re just plucking a cat out of a box, and that’s a little bit pathetic. Yet if I was plucking a specific cat, a named cat, out of a box, well that’s actually kind of sweet, or at least not nearly as pathetic.

Life should play out like a good book, with descriptive colors and smells and flavors and things with names instead of just general things. Really, do you get more from, “A guy pulled a gray and white kitten out of a box,” or “Ben reached down inside the box, just beyond the dusty physics notebook, twisting around a broken trophy, just far enough to pinch the fuzzy nape of the kitten’s neck and free him from his cardboard prison.” Never mind, that was no good either. But if “the kitten” could be replaced with a name…then we might be onto something.

And so, we name things. It makes our life story a better read.

However, naming pets is not to be trifled with or downplayed. It can be screwed up royally in the hands of the impatient, the unimaginative, and the bored. There are a few very simple guidelines to consider when naming an animal. Some, but not all, are listed here:

  1. Stop it with the human names, already. If you’re considering naming your Pomeranian or Tabby or Cockatoo that name you always wanted for a son or daughter, just don’t. It’s wrong. Don’t name your poodle “Casey” or your Maine Coon “Ted.” Not only is it wrong, but you’re losing the golden opportunity to do something interesting. Think of naming a pet like naming a super-hero – make it count. There are several amendments to the “no human names” guideline, however:
    1. It’s okay to give human names to animals if they’re after worthy famous humans or characters. Some good examples: I know a Dalmatian named Satchel (Paige) and a greyhound named Gordie (Howe); I know a moody black cat named Jackson (Pollack); I once had a chicken named Mr. Pink. Good stuff. Tip: Consider using posthumous namesakes to avoid the “gotchas” that can happen, especially with professional athletes or actors whose nickname might seem cool before they end up on the wrong end of an Australian steroid bust. Just a hypothetical, of course…
    2. It’s okay to give human names to animals if you promise to name all of your human children pet names. I have a friend with two cats “Misty” and “Tiffany” but a daughter named “Snowball.” (Well, sadly just the first part is true, but there’s hope – she hasn’t had her first baby yet.)
    3. “Max” and “Sam” are eternal exceptions. I don’t know why, but these names work.
  2. Descriptive works. For example, I know a cat with a discoloration on his nostril named “Booger.” I know a grossly overweight Bassett Hound named “Biggie.” Don’t flee from the obvious.
  3. Try irony. Really, who can resist that Chihuahua named “Beast the Destroyer”?
  4. Steal another species. Don’t ask me why, but there is a real appeal to cross-species naming. A dog named “Bear”…a fish named “Birdie”…a cat named “Monkey.” Just name up the food chain, not down, to protect your pet’s ego.
  5. The Story behind the name. Does the name have a story, a decent story, behind it? A great story goes a long way in defending a stupid name.

With such guidelines in tow, I present you below with Mamasita’s brood, named and ready for action.

Meet ALDO (LEOPOLD).

"Aldo" is named after a very worthy man, Aldo Leopold, one of the founding fathers of environmental ethics and wildlife management and preservation. Not to mention, Dr. Leopold spent the biggest chunk of his career as a professor at the UW-Madison.

Kitten Aldo is a proper namesake given his penchant for wandering independently and pensive demeanor. No joke.

Meet PANDA RUTH.

"Panda" has cute round face and a strong tendency to sit on her butt with her toes rolling into the air, like a Panda.

Meet LITTLE DIRTY.

"Dirty" gets his name from the "try irony" school of thought. This boy is as white as can be without a single spot...whiter than snow, if you will. But nobody can really be that good, huh? Thus the gangsta tag, yo.

Meet THE FADING TIGER.

It just stuck, what can I say. It's the story, remember? Anyway, it's a mouthful so T-F-T gets a shortened "TUFF-T" to make use of the acronym. And in case your wondering, he's still a runt but he eats like every nipple's the last nipple on earth. He's dedicated.

The Fading Tiger has "big ups" when it comes to feeding time. These are his runt legs bolstering him up against the premium teat. I saw Little Dirty (twice his size) try to move TFT off pole position once. Good try Dirty, but TFT wasn't takin' no mess.

This picture is just a blantant (and staged, I admit) image to remind you that these little babies might have to go back to the barred cages of the humane society if some good folks don't chime in and commit to adopting...

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